Can one do a walk of shame from one's own hotel? Considering I just barfed in a planter down town in from of a bunch of business men in suits on my way to a work breakfast on a Wednesday morning, I am gonna just go with yes.
I had just got her shirt off when I realized that I was about to fuck Chewbacca from Star Wars. The way she moaned confirmed that I was.
i watched you ride a mechanical penis. nothing is awkward between us anymore.
I just want to hug my vagina but I can't!\nLike, I want to wrap my arms around it and say "I'm sorry"
I can't straight up say the only reason I smoked a couple bowls with you was for your three legged cat
I rang in the new year by giving a lap dance to a Lutheran minister in a roomful of people including his wife. Jesus would be proud.
I'm going to three dry weddings this month. I'm flashing three dry weddings this month
Life achievement unlocked: I just ate a Slim Jim "Lady and the Tramp" style with a guy in a bar.
She got engaged last night. I don't think you should ask her out man.
He seems like a lot more than a waste of tequila
Of all the kinds of relationships I've had in my life, I'd have to say, lab-partner-with-benefits takes the fuckin cake
Fuck it, I'm going to make my own dick pic album since iOS 10 won't do it for me.
"They let me see the x-ray. My nose is broken. I saw it. It was cool. Well, I guess it would be cooler if it wasn't my nose."
if by making eggnog you mean drinking all the spiced rum, then yes, she's making eggnog
Noooo no no no no. She scares me. She means business. She wore a diaper when we went to the bar.
Randomize
