i had a dream that your penis turned into a long neck dinosaur
did it start talking like on Land before time?
So basically i got outta bed and started peeing on the a/c unit..when my roommate tried to stop me i looked at him and said "i got this"
Why do I have peacock feathers super glued to my body?
Oh that could end badly if you get them mixed up.. you know who I think you should focus on?? THE ONE WITH THE BIG BLACK COCK, just sayin
The only thing I'm asking santa for is my period.
And vodka?
And vodka.
I don't know man, I have to ask my girlfriend if I can borrow my balls from her purse.
Biggg time. I found 2 empty packages of extenze in my car this am.... not sure what that was all about
I'm wearing a utility belt filled with alcohol
Had weird bad dreams about you last night. Please tell me you didn't google my real surname and that you don't go to a needle exchange.
Please don't throw the wedding bouquet at me
Fun FACT Saturday: Semen is great for my acid reflux
What's a nice way of saying 'I wish I hadn't fucked you.'
The cop told you he couldn't let you pee. You just pulled your pants down and squared anyway and im surprised you didnt get arrested.No more drinking for you.
My new plan is to whip out my titties when they arrive. Maybe they won’t notice that I broke the couch fucking my boss...
Are you coming over for scrambled eggs and hand jobs?
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