She just asked me if her C-section scar turned me on.
I hope he doesn't find the chex mix when he takes my shirt off.
We have literally factored in $2200 for bail money in the budget. This vegas trip will be out of hand. We are signing confidentiality contracts.
She gave me a rubber ducky to make me feel better while I was throwing up.
I locked the porch door but I left a spare key on top of the keg on the side of the house
I elbow dropped a bag of ice to break it so we could make margaritas. I bled everywhere. Be proud.
"If it gets you high just do it" I told him he was the Nike of drug abuse
Also I just sneezed literally 12 times in a row so violently...boogers everywhere. Sorry to ruin the sexting. I just felt like you had to know
In other news my pubic hair is covered in glitter.
I'm more heavily invested in that tequila than you are
We found you walking up the on ramp to the highway carrying a 40 mph speed limit sign with no shoes on. Rough night?
Lets just say the phase, What a dick, has a whole new meaning at the urinals.
We're so high we're eating flavored lube.
I've just realized that today's rations have consisted of turkey bacon and jack Daniels.
Guess it's not a good idea to try lighting a cigarette with my stove drunk, I burnt off half my bangs.
Randomize
