I found my laptop, credit card, and a bottle of Morgan all on the counter this morning. I'm scared to see what gets delivered to my house this week.
someone, somewhere in austin has to have a muppet
Springtime is officially here. I just used pool water to fill up the bong
Just saw the first guy I gave head to lose in the french open...some how I feel better that my mistake made it to the same mistake as our relationship, the third round. Don't judge.
You were wasted and fell in a pond when you met him, it's not like you were on top of your game
i watched you ride a mechanical penis. nothing is awkward between us anymore.
She's walking around topless with a bottle of red wine, crying and singing showtune ballads. This is actually an improvement.
I took his sheets with my when I left seeing that I underestimated my period. Also grabbed a 6-pack out of the fridge because breakfast is the most important meal of the day & I don't do other peoples laundry for free.
You pulled down your pants, pissed in the recliner, and wiped yourself with my utility bill. I thought it was in the worlds best interest to put you to bed.
Felt like shit, jerked off, felt ten times better. Being a guy rules. It's like I got all the demons out in 5 minutes.
Send me one of your boob pics as an example. I mean this in the straightest least lesbian way possible.
First stoner thought of the day: Life would be so much better if there were more things that were biscuits and gravy flavored.
She was dressed as a banana and told me that I needed more potassium in my diet. Of course I went down on her.
He deserves a nobel prize for his dick-giving abilities. 10/10, would ride again.
I left the party 20 min ago..just thought i would tell you so you wouldnt think i fell in the lake again
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