his cum tasted like old pizza and looked like old milk
it took you forty minutes to realize it was a gay bar.
My family just legit passed around a fifth of Maker's Mark. Also, this is sort of a Thanksgiving tradition. Also, Maker's Mark is really good.
Don't worry we did the "promise to get an abortion" handshake
I just tried to text you by typing "whoa" into my contacts.
Russian roulette. Between salvia and weed. You in?
FUCK YOU MAN
I can't say "baby i'm to high to talk to you" in Starbucks.
That was a very uncomfortable conversation to have without pants on. But his mom was pretty cool about it.
I'M GOING TO FUCK AN ENTIRE ORCHESTRA AND NOTHING CAN STOP ME
The band club does not count as an orchestra
I'll tell you that it involved a pair of pliers and a trip to the ER.
I demand a full explanation right now.
Jesus fuck that was emotional whiplash
I'm drunk but I just ate 2 heads of broccoli so does that mean it evens out?
Yes absolutlely
The bouncers found you passed out on the toilet. They tried to move you but you refused and repeatedly shouted that you wanted to go out like Elvis.
I think a major source of concern would be the fact you snorted a shot. Who does that?
it will be a surprise...all I can say is stripper clown.
Randomize
