sooooo how many boyfriends is too many?
The child next door sounds like he's having vigorous sex in the backyard and it's making me very, very uncomfortable. I don't want to look.
They wont let us in. Theyve some sort of no Daft Punk costume rule
I don't give a shit about soccer but I'm really excited about drinking at 7 in the morning
Oh shit. The kids are pole dancing on a broom. It's like I'm seeing my future offspring before my eyes.
I've been here for three hours and I am already feeling sorry for whatever offspring i will indefinitely produce in this place.
I pray for you bro.
Chipotle just hit me... I want to go sit in the corner of the shower and cry until morning.
I mean it's like...I'm sorry I slept with your boyfriend but is it my fault that he failed to mention you when I was giving him head in the Dave and Busters bathroom?
There is so much wrong with that sentence
Yeah there really shouldn't be a bar at D&B's...shit gets real
I just sat in the bathtub with the shower running so I could eat the whole box of mega stuffed Oreos. What am I doing with my life
I think the universe has a conglomeration of sentences reserved only for me.
You sent 2 glasses of water to the table next us and told to the waitress they were on you. I repeat: water
I'm sorry I never said I wasn't coming home last night. To my defense I did type and send a text, only I was too drunk to realize I sent it to the guy I was with instead of you.
I chose not to drink last night but drinking chose me
I just woke up in the closet wearing nothing but a Santa hat.
You stuck your false lashes to your upper lip and then asked that ONE kid with facial hair if your "mustaches could touch" as an excuse to make out.
Randomize
