I love you!
You're insane
Fuckin crazy man! Seriously though I think if you would have me I honestly seriously think about marrying u!
Alright now lets video chat so I can xshow u my dick! Hahahaha
So I just found panties on our kitchen floor that had a slit in the vagina section. Does that mean shes open for sex, or she has a penis?
we're chasing vodka with high fives
are you aware you chucked your pizza at a girl's face after the bar last night?
He's currently rapping every word to 'more money more problems' at what could be a over 30s gay bar. I'm not sure yet. More info to come.
...then she kept trying to make balloon animals with my flacid penis. I'm never drinking whisky with you again.
I have a cat, a bottle of wine, and a Brazilian man. I need to catch you up on my life
He said he doesnt believe in the female orgasm,so no I did not have sex with him.
He offered to take my unemployed self out for drinks, but I really just want him to buy me the Beyoncé album
Never thought I'd say this, but getting head from a skeleton was better than I thought. Happy Halloween
You were yelling at the mannequin and saying "DON'T LOOK AT ME"
Appearently I went across the hall last night demanding to ride my neighbors moose... How much did I drink?
I thought accidentally shaving off my fingertip while trying to shave my butthole was going to be the most unexpected part of my day, but no
In all the years we have had drunk sex, have we ever done it in a bed?
I'm too depressed to drink my wine. That is what I would call a serious problem
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