I'm calling you out on twitter if you don't come over right now.
I was in the bathroom and her cat just looked at my penis with a profound hatred.
if i get an abortion, then will you go out with me?
the women in the ladies room did not appreciate my innovation of turning a sink into a urinal
In hindsight maybe we should have moved his homework instead of playing quarters on top of it.
What happened on tuesday that a stripper knows my full name?
I just won unlimited hot dogs for life. I'm so glad I smoked
It's one thing to send dick shots. It's a whole other thing to send unimpressive dick shots while wearing crocs.
She was crying, alone at a college bar. It would have been rude NOT to try and show my penis to her.
She just drank the vanilla extract. Again. AGAIN. No one should be that eager to get drunk.
Going through my purse trying to find money for this cab but all I keep pulling out if chicken from my burrito o ate an hour ago. Help?
My phone broke again .... im not really sure how im going 2 explain the teeth marks to the ppl at the Verizon store
be right there i have to get my cape
I'm the only person I know who could have actual sex and then dream about my vibrator.
You thought they were asking for volunteers for a karaoke contest so you jumped up not realizing it was actually a "last 3 minutes boxing match". But you took that right hook like a champ.
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