so hey instead of everyone buying me a birthday present can everyone just pitch in for my abortion?
This frat boy drinking a forty and wearing a pussy patrol shirt just ran out in front of my car. I should have used less brakes.
They peed on our pledges last night... i dont know if i should put an lol at the end of that or not
Truth be told I was googling "why is my left calf bigger than my right calf", porn would've been a better excuse for a virus.
Mike is worried about me going on a cruise in June without him....how cute he thinks we are going to last till June
I've got a whole match.com system. Triple book. First dates always get the 6pm happy hour drinks slot. 8pm dinner goes to a girl where I think I can close the deal. 10pm slot goes to the sure thing in case of emergency, but 6 can always trump 8 and 8 always trumps 10. Just blame it on a dead iPhone battery.
That, my friend, is how I bang 50 new girls a year. Not luck at all. It's science and statistics.
Bad idea to be in a car concussed. I just described his dick as an elevator. I think i meant escalator, i dont know
I had 17 beers 2 days ago. I'm not dad material yet
Someone's shaving their pubes at work every Monday and it's starting to piss me off
I mean come on
"YOU A2TE UNDERAGE LOL" Got that at 2am. Gotta stop dating alcoholics.
And that kids is the last time I ever try to outdrink Germans
Well there's only 4 people in my class, we've watched a video, the instructors encouraged us to start using cocaine and now we are on break.
It's been productive.
I just don't understand why your parents aren't supporting your dreams of being a medieval weapon smith.
He licked the buffalo sauce off my fingers and then we had the best sex of my life.
i was sitting on the kitchen floor shaking my gallon of vodka at people and asking if they wanted to climb the heaven hill... getting dumped is the best thing that has ever happend to me
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