I want my own midget army. I think I would be a good midget army leader.
So you really shouldn't go around telling people you're fireproof
Either these are mashed potatoes in my pants, or I was drunker than I thought.
so i wake up and the chick who i had sex last night left her phone number. next to the number was a broken condom. should i call?
some guy i've known for a week sent me nudes saying "you're welcome" i need an award for this birthday
Did my good deed for the day.. Helped an old guy hide his beer on the NJ transit while the ticket lady came by
WHAT KIND OF DUMPSTER DOESNT HAVE PIZZA IN IT?
Want to come over? I'm getting stoned and watching Netflix and making s'mores over a candle in my room
Like there's an 87% chance I'll end up on the bedroom floor demanding sex while freestyling in your face. I'm going to buy rum.
He's both a cowboy and a firefighter. Saying "no" was not an option.
Can we just focus for a minute on the fact that I HAD MY FIRST LESBIAN ENCOUNTER.
Right. How rude of me to inform you that you're going to be an aunt.
I stood in my living room with two beers in my hand asking these said beers if they were going to drink each other. I then insisted that I would drink them and chugged both. Happy Halloween.
Just because your gf gives mediocre bjs doesn't mean I can fill that void
I feel bad for her. If you sacrifice and have a chubby husband I feel that you assume he's not going to cheat on you....
I think I fell asleep on my pizza last night. Damn, I am sauccccy.
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