margs and chips and queso make the world go round
well and inertia
There are thorn wounds on my balls, don't ever question my dedication to party again
Either these are mashed potatoes in my pants, or I was drunker than I thought.
I knew she could be a good mother by the way she craddled three 40oz's.
just to let you know coffee and vodka was a bad way to start the day
So you really have to stop introducing me to girls and afterwards saying "he has his dick pierced" let them find out for themselves
In case this wasn't clear when i said being his wingman was "hopeless", his date walked out on him when he poured a beer on his head trying to shotgun it
Just saw a crackhead get taken down by pd in the canal. Its offically spring
After Madison dropped a bottle of full vodka an it shattered on the floor, it was quiet for literally 3 min straight and then drew said "the booze gods have spoken"
It feels like you stuck your dick in a fire and then branded the inside of me.
I just had a very enlightening conversation with my hat. we need more of whatever the fuck that was.
I said "sucks to suck" to a cop last night. We've been snapchatting.
Lost my anal v card with Peter Thiel's RNC speech on in the background. Unbelievably appropriate
Is using La Croix as a mixer for vodka a legit way to reach my daily water consumption?
Jesus christos I come home and am treated like my vagina is made of gold
Either that or it dispenses candy
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