I'll have you know...trying to masturbate while a song about jesus is stuck in your head is next to impossible
i totally forgot about the coupon that said i would show him how i pleasure myself.
My landlord wasn't pleased about the new fire pit we built him.
I'm making tacos. Give me one good reason why we shouldn't be high while eating those tacos.
She was either really drunk or really not interested. Everytime I tried to ask her about herself she would respond with a line from Stepbrothers.
his phone is always ringing though. It makes me feel like I'm dating a doctor who's always on call.
yeah, dating a doctor sounds much better than fucking your drug dealer.
Hey. Hey you. Just wanted to let you know that I'm adorable. FUCKING ADORABLE. That is all. This update brought to you by our proud sponsor bud light.
Locals got pissed I was talking to the barmaid. Tried to tell me that they keep all the good beer at "a Soho walkup" Google saved me
your life is not complete until you watch a gaggle of murderous clowns dance to gangnam style.
also, what is the correct term for a shit ton of clowns?
Ok because I want to set a new world record for how fast I can drink away my Christmas money
I woke up naked with my work shoes on
I woke up this morning with my hand on his dick. That sneaky bastard.
Come over. We have half a bottle of jumbo champagne left and no boyfriends to slow us down
woke up. showered n got ready. had sex. and was still 15 minutes early to work... its gonna be a good day!
I did a line off of, and then danced on top of a table older than this country.
Harvard is great.
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