This just in: Jon Gosselin's address-The Alexandra. I bet if we showed up he'd date us.
Thanks for stealing lime trees for me at 4:00 am. We're well on our way to having sustainable supplies for mojitos this summer.
She fucked me because she said I looked like Neil Patrick Harris
buying my parents vodka for Christmas is like buying a normal person socks.
Yeah, I think they knew. I smelled like that telltale combination of strippers and Easter.
Just turned down sex because it's a holy day of obligation, my mom would be proud.
"Douchebag of the Year" award goes to the guy who didn't reply to the picture of my tits.
Am I over stepping my bounds if I ask to fuck in your new bathroom?
It has heated floors
How do I tell my hairdresser I want a hair style I saw in a porn video?
I woke up while eating peanut butter from a jar. I don't think I should be social today.
I have never encountered a chode in the wild
I'm over here willing to be the Yoda of fucking but I guess he just doesn't want to be a Jedi.
I have got to move on from this "sleeping with every drug dealer I meet" phase.
The fact that you cheered yourself on while you puked saying it was your first college puke, blacked out, and sang taylor swift to the toilet confirms the fact that we are related. I've never been more proud.
Oh, do you remember telling everyone you were with that your vagina was angry last night?
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