So I thought I was doing pretty good and then I sneezed and prematurely ejaculated...
she was giving me head and that cheryl crow 'youre favorite mistake' song came on. she looks up and all i could do was nod
Realized I'm still to drunk to comprehend work emails. Marked them all as unread. Here's to responsible hang overs.
I just shotgunned a beer alone in the bathroom...what do you expect from me
so... the fat chick just walked over, shook my hand, then introduced herself as "versatile". shoot me now.
Hi Jessica this is Jessica and I am texting you and were taking lime shots and it's fantastic and I broke your elbow and I love you xo
Update- I sold my hat to some drunk kid for 50 bucks. I used my earnings to buy beer on the way home. I realize to everyone else seeing me drinking on my balcony at 6am, I look like an alcoholic, but I'm thinking of it as a night cap
I want to throw all of their shoes in the pool so I feel like there is some justice in the world
Just got discharged from the hospital after getting my finger stitched back together don't you dare say you had a worse night than me
Oh man, are we repeating last 4th of July?!
That shouldn't even be a question, it's a tradition now. Hope your manhood is ready.
you went to ralph's and bought all of their pears and left them outside my house
HE BEAT A GUY WITH NOTHING BUT RAZZLE DAZZLE AND HIS FABULOUSNESS
That car ride home was pretty awkward. Your feeling up the girlfriend to the guy who's throwing up out the window. Thanks for that.
On a scale of one to ten how bad is it that the first cardio I've done in months is jogging to the bars?
I'll just go with dedication.
Are you hungover?
No. I'm hiding under my covers and hoping it doesn't find me.
Randomize
