Come here. I'm drunk. Family Function. Intense Pro-life vs. Pro-choice debate. Bring Republicans.
I am currently eating pure cake frosting...I am not sure how I was ever referred to as a responsible adult.
I just ordered a 3 square foot pizza. This is how to beat an eating disorder.
I was cleaning out my bag and I found some xanax wrapped in plastic with a note that said "use in case of emergency"
I think this hangover is going to kill me. If it succeeds I would like you to read a dramatic rendition of 'Trapped in the closet' complete with interpretative dance at my funeral.
Was that your vagina? Received a text pic from a number I didn't recognize. Shaved, so no hair color cues. But it looked like your lips.
You left wolverine marks
I'm somewhere between sorry and proud
I'm wearing a cape at the laundromat. I really can't say shit
Can you find me some 'I threw up in my hair last night' medicine?
Thanks for takin my cousin out last night, sorry I passed out so early
You kidding, the kids a legend. He literally killed a bottle of Jamison, made out with a girl AND her Mom at the bar, stole us slices of pizza and told the cab driver where to go in Spanish. He doesn't even live in the area. Can we keep him?
Hey, I'm probably about to be arrested but I didn't want to wake you. But it would be cool of you to get the $500.00 I have in the box I keep my "medicine" in and come bail me out. Also I figured you would be amused at the thought of me fending off brutal prison rape tonight.
I have so many plans for this weekend and sobriety is not invited.
We almost ended up sober because of u!!
dude, she has my telletubby sweats and my good sweatshirt hostage, I can't risk their safety with a breakup
He sang the chorus to “Inside of you” by Russel Brand in Forgetting Sarah Marshall as he proceeded to not pull out...
Honestly? I wouldn’t even be mad, that probably took talent
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