I think she just tried to waterboard me with her vagina.
First rule of pills: If you can't remember what it is, take half.
To bright to open both eye. Get pizza and put in feeding tube so i can sleep more
It's like my work doesn't even care about margarita mondays.
dude stop sending me pictures of your dick in weird places. i get it. you rock out with your cock out.
He said he got laid, but you and i both know he was too high to leave his house.
It's gay pride weekend and Father's day.. So in honor of the occassions I am now BI
He took the Gold in Olympic clit licking last night. Canada should be proud.
ask me again when I'm sobewr aka tuesday
Maybe next year when I'm 30 I will be over puking at lunch on Fridays. Maybe
The fact I have to evaluate my choice between tequila and fruity pebbles is a clear image of my life right now
Totally thought something squeezed my boob. Then I remembered I was wearing a bra. Isn't weed great?
ALL I WANT FOR CHRISTMAS IS FOR YOU TO SHUT THE FUCK UP FOR ONCE
you never keep up with shots anymore
I'm trying to be more responsible these days
you fucking tried to take your pants off and pee in Taco Bell's parking lot
My debit card was between my ass cheeks when i woke up. i vaguely remember putting it there for safe keeping
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