I just snorted a line of adderall through a rolled up business card for the Michigan Law Admissions Office.... Tell me I'm not motivated
She got her phone back last night. And the first thing I sent her was a picture of me pooping in a culvers bathroom
I thanked her dad for "firing off a good one" when she was conceived. She said thats why he doesnt like me.
New plan for Halloween: you dress as Waldo, I'll dress as Carmen San Diego. We can just hide in a closet drinking till someone finds us.
I think Vodka is my favorite. Everything else ties for second.
I puked walking onto the plane. How do you think my post-Birthday hangover went?
I'm gonna tie him up and fart in that pathetic excuse for a mustache
so in case you needed a ticket for the Hot Mess Express, I'm the conductor now.
I'm sorry I put my balls through your watch. On another note your roommate had them on his shoulder too sry
I can't get past the whole vibrator up the ass stunt.. Can we have a ceremonial burning for his dignity because I will not ever touch that again..
I just realized now that I slept with him while he was still wearing the maid costume... I've reached a new level of sexual freakness.
She told me to take deeps breaths and I said I said YOU FUCKING TAKE A BREATH CAROL IM SURE IF YOU WERE IN MY POSITION YOU WOULD HAVE OFFED YOURSELF ALREADY and she said my name is Becky 😂
I know you told me I shouldn't go see him...that's why I'm texting you letting you know I made it home safe from his house this morning
So how do I tell him I've been sleeping with his wife too?
How do I sound like a lady while communicating the fact that I want his dick in my mouth?
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