So I was talking to her on the phone last night and had to mute it so I could take a crap.
Side Note: My mute button doesn't work.
So after THIS dui, I've decided to stop driving. Not drinking, just quit driving.
Found my sandals in your freezer this morning, THANKS
I'm so high, I forgot to harvest my farmville crops....noooooooo.
Worst stoner tragedy.
He got arrested in front of the church last night. Looks like we need to find a new location for the wedding.
he asked if i wanted their team name to be " Amandas angels" or " Fuk budies" either way an intermural softball team of all my hook ups from spring semester is just depressing. convenient but depressing
I was masturbating in my bed this morning when my ipod alarm went off and it started playing "show me the meaning of being lonely"
I know everybody has skeletons in their closet but why are all of mine so slutty?
My brother didnt wanna sleep with her because she was my friend. Did I miss the memo where we're not supposed to be fucking each others friends? Oh well too late.
I was afraid she wouldn't be able keep up but I woke up in a bathtub, she called me a pussy and made me pancakes.
My phone just put together a highlight reel of yesterday's dick pic session, set to music and everything
You have cats and a ten year IUD. Embrace it.
Hypothetically speaking, if a girl asks you to fuck her wearing only your hockey helmet, is that socially acceptable?
day drinking didnt prepare me for this..
Remind me later when I want to buy more drinks that there's a 20 in my bra
Randomize
