Why is half of me covered in green stuff that won't come off?
You stripper-danced on a light pole in the quad. It had fresh paint on it.
Only in Alabama do they play hymns in a bar!!!
How do you feel about the band name "O'labia Newton John"??
you guys are cousins why the FUCK are your pants off
Im so hungover that my 6 year old cousine made me aspirine and coffee out of playdoh...
she must've caught on when i went out for a "run" in jeans and a sweatshirt and came back holding a McDonalds bag and smelling like pot.
This is drunk me apologizing to sober me in advance.. I am sprry about you're trashed house. Mom an dad will be home by 5 so get up and clean. P.s. Mike is in the closet passed out.
the party we were at had security guards carrying paintball guns. that probably should have been the first sign
she smells like cat throw up and cupcakes. i'm trying to focus on the cupcakes but it's really. hard.
We should celebrate the resignation of Berlusconi tonight with too many bottles of wine and sambuca. We're allies, right?
Lets get real here, ive seen your moms breasts multiple times
My credit card got frozen due to suspicious activity. "Let's go over your recent transaction history... it looks like these are all at bars." BITCH, DON'T JUDGE MY MONDAY NIGHTS.
After he finished he laid there and told me how much work that just was. I looked at him and told him not to ruin a good thing by opening his mouth.
He knocked me over backwards in my chair. I had a beer in each hand. Didn't spill a drop.
i walked into her house and she introduced me to her family. i dont think she understands the term booty call
Randomize
