I got tired of walking to the bathroom that I decided to throw up in a cup. I now have 3 cups full of vomit on top of my mini fridge
At this point it has been so long i wouldnt know what a dick was if it slapped me in the face.
Some guy just watched me feed 30 dimes and 3 quarters for bread and cheese at the self checkout at walmart. I no longer comprehend shame...
if we break up, blackout me is coming back, making out with everything in sight
I know this request is pointless but you two please try to keep the drinking and drug use to a minimal, I have bail money so write my number on your arm and a "if found call", wear a life jacket and act like a responsible 28 year old please.
Once two people had broken bones it had become a bulk hospital trip so we took the party bus
She just face-timed her mom and had her watch all of us toast to her grandmas tits..
Also, ran into my neighbor across the street. He told me about scheduling his vasectomy. We are officially way beyond the acceptable point for asking his name again.
they had to hand cuff you because you wouldn't stop trying to unzip the paramedic's pants...this is why i love you
I WAS JUST SITTING HERE BEING SNIFFED BY ODD WOMEN FOR A SOLID 5 MINUTES. My face was a twist of utter fear and confusion...
He brought me four big burritos and two joints! He can sleep with his bank teller any time he wants!
I told him I was going to sit on his face after I got out of the shower, he threw up the arm boners and yelled "STEVE HOLT!!" I might actually stop sleeping with other dudes.
That is cause you are some weird type of mutant that lives off of Alcohol.
What do you mean not that crazy? I had sex last night. with my\nBOSS. in the restaurant where we WORK.... ON A DINNER TABLE.
I think we might need a safe word for this...
Randomize
