If it makes you feel better he went down on me when i had a yeast infection.
just had dinner with my dad's new gf and her daughter.. had to drink a beer to get through it.. she's 19 she has on a disney watch and snowflake earrings
he started fingering my stomach rolls instead of my vag... am i really that fat?
How many layers of skin can you loose before it becomes bad?
Her boobs take up a lot of room so God had to skimp on the brains
I remember because you made a pirate noise when you came.
Right now I'm standing in front of my fridge, drinking wine out of the bottle and eating cold steak with my hands. I am THE BEST at being single.
Why can't people give useful wedding gifts...like sex swings or Nutella?
It's okay I missed my booty call by two whole minutes so I decided to delete him from my phone and then re-add him as "I am a douchelord"
Pretty sure i brought my phone charger to a booty call
NO FUCKBOY SHALL PASS OPERATION #BITCHMODE HAS SUCCEEDED
Dude, my vagina feels like new again! I love antibiotics. How's your day?
Come get me...at gazebo by side entrance....im passed out in a bush...this is a Bar A bouncer texting for your buddy
1 why did you tell them where i peed last night and 2 where the fuck are you
I'll text you tomorrow when I'm not in someone's torture cave if I don't by noon call for help.
Randomize
