He just left - my room smells like that cheese they put on nachos and cigarettes and beef
Yo quero taco bell
my ex just saw me in his brothers bed. fuck yes revenge feels good
Have you seen my high heels that I wore out?
You mean the one that you threw at the parked cop car or the one in the microwave?
Found my puke from September encrusted to the floor under the dresser while cleaning before move out ..... Oh Freshman year
I definitely managed to work the word "aforementioned" into the conversation.. At least I'm an intelligent sexter.
You mean 'full wolf form' wasn't a drunk text?
Bob the builder, bob the uilder bob the builder bbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbjbbbbbiotch!pp!!!!
Meeting his dad and brother for the first time at the jail while I'm bailing him out ISN'T exactly how I pictured this relationship going....
A sexy devil squat down and peed in front of Tom Hanks from Castaway.
what i'd really like is a nice helping of naked boyfriend with a side of naked boyfriend.
It's 4/20 and I spent the morning in the gym and am working later tonight. I don't even have any weed. Why am I adult-ing again?
Our relationship revolved around Taylor Swift albums. It's no wonder it ended so fast
Dear sober self, your keys are on the table in front of you the only way your typing this is with autocorrect goodnight love you
last night you made out with a 19 year old on a bar and i woke up with a swede in my bed. lets just say that never happened.
Hey, um, after thinking about it, I decided I really don't want to use applying olive oil to your ass for your fissure as part of foreplay because... well... really? Just read that again.
Randomize