I know I said that I'd stop dating 20 year olds... but at least this one's not my student...
nothing says "we're all in this together" like the herpes she passed around to our entire group of friends
I just saw a fat chick ask the bartender to top her corona off with grenandine cuz she has a "sweet tooth" no that's diabetes fatty
i've been lying on top of my bed for the past 20 minutes
i'm about to blow half an adderall though and try to rally
Holy shit he's circumcised. His parents must have really loved him.
I wanted to make fun of someone saying that to an untrained ear, skrillex is blah blah blah. But it was too soon after they said it. And now I can't find it. These are real problems.
This Pinterest wedding planning is a good distraction. I'm great at this, my imaginary wedding is beautiful
Something must have happened, they started yelling truffle butter and you said we needed to leave NOW
I don't know how to say "Sorry I was banging your boyfriend before I knew about you but you're awesome and we should hang out." without just saying it.
Sooo I ended up ugly crying at the drive thru window at 10 pm last night....how was your valentine's day?
Well what did you order
You know it was a good night when you wake up w/o a shirt in someone elses living room next to a pancake on a spoon in a bowl of spaghetti.
Sometimes self-care is taking a shot of vodka and moving on.
Can you recommend a quality dick? I haven’t had a good sexing in a while
Im not as flexible as I once was, but I still managed to get eaten out in the front seat of a hummer behind keddies.
Rich men love me! I remind them of their trophy wife!!!
Randomize
