This bar receipt from last night makes no sense
You were wasted and got mad that it was too high so you subtracted 50 bucks in the tip line from the total
I wish that would've worked
the crunchwrap supreme is the def leppard of the taco bell menu
which is why it's clearly superior
Tell me the dirtiest joke you know
Sarah Palin
god, I love you
He was in me and said I can't believe this happened because of facebook. MOOD KILLER.
I pulled down his boxers and a 20 dollar bill fell out. I'm telling you, the blowjob fairy EXISTS
Bob the builder, bob the uilder bob the builder bbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbjbbbbbiotch!pp!!!!
Just sneezed out a half gram of coke into a tissue. Four hours after the fact. The bender continues.
Seriously, I'm ready to settle for ugly and unemployed as long as he has decent hygene and likes to go down.
I'm gonna keep a minimum of five drink promise to myself
You mean maximum 5?
I bought us both waterproof cases so we can sext through FaceTime in the shower.
Next. Level. Shit.
Any idea why the fuck i would replace all the music on my ipod with the fucking Goosebumps theme song?!?
Apparently drunk you is really nostalgic?
I just used a thesaurus to write a sext...
As a side note, can you ask the maintenance staff not to drag their balls on our stairwell handrails. Please.
I'm not too sure what happened last night, but by the looks of it, we must have gotten drunk with zebras.
On my way home I saw a car that had "MOVE OVER PLZ" emblazoned across the windshield backwards, so people could see it in their rearview mirror
If I ever drive for Lyft or Uber I'm definitely gonna do that
Randomize
