and this is why I hate my dad. He got 25x more angry with me when I wanted to drive a different route then he suggested to get to his house (more scenic- thus more enjoyable) then he did when I told him I was driving drunk with 4 people in the car and I got my 5th speeding ticket last night.
Awkward medical moment of the day: A very obese girl with a disorder that literally makes her hit herself punched herself in the face. Literally. While screaming 'MCDONALDS MONEY'. Right. Beside. Me.
I forgot how ruthlessly advertising works on me when I'm high.
Is it bad that your cum tickles when I swallow it?
Your drunken mistake is coming over to see if she wants to buy any of our furniture. I know youre desperate, but try not to fuck her, without a condom, for a fourth time, while shes there.
He suggested abortion before I finished the sentence. That was my plan too, but now I feel like should keep it just to prove how big of a dick he is.
The neighborhood kids rang the doorbell in the middle of my first bong rip to ask if they could use my trampoline for the thirtieth time today...I opened the door and pretended to puke up a shitload of smoke, I have never seen a more terrified group of children
NO SHITSVILLE I just saw a homeless dude punch a pigeon that flew by him
Say what you will, but only I can throw up on someone's door and make it look like art.
That's the last time I'm letting you drink that apple vodka
He said we were over, wrote my name on the condom he left in my car last night and said he'd always keep it in case I came back. It was kind of romantic
Threw up in hyvee parking lot. Thanksgiving shopping complete.
I associate the Game of Thrones theme song with his dick now.
Listen, you can either give me drugs or an orgasm. You decide.
The amount of illegal things I've done this weekend is astounding.
I'm going to start talking to Bill again, he has friends with boats which means we'll get to go on boats.
Randomize