My parents took my cat for a ride in the car. Second weekend in a row. They think its fun. Dear God
I just had to pull over at a starbucks to throw up in the bathroom. They really should not have let me be a lawyer.
yeah I know. she is a stupid fat trailer trash bitchwhore and I hate her
but when she came up to me in the bar I had to be all like "OMG HEYYY how are you, I haven't seen you in foreverrrrr!!"
but for the record, yeah, I hope she gets mauled by a bear and dies
I think I just saw the silver monkey from legends of the hidden temple sitting out in someone's trash
GO. BACK. NOW.
remember the good old days of high school when a half gal would last for more than a nite
Gonna post on craigs list missed connections - "I was that really drunk bitch that threw up in your car. I'd like to pay for detailing"
please dont pick me up from the airport dressed like a terrorist.
I need you to stand in the corner and ref this threesome. Wear stripes.
So I pull up to an apartment complex and immediately felt like I was here to get stoned.
I just threw up in my front yard because my roommate was in the bathroom. Fuck New Years Day.
I was walking around the party holding a dog on my shoulder like it was a parrot
I woke up to a stripper (who added me on Facebook) messaging me reminding me to cancel my card if I can't find it
I just used my dick as to measure where my desk would go because I don't have a tape measure or a ruler.
My autobiography will be 500 pages of the words "I probably should've thought this through" typed over and over.
Just because I know you’ll get a kick out of this, I sneezed earlier and cupcake frosting came out
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