Just gargled Fireball to get the fish taco taste out of my mouth. Almost as good as gum.
So when we opened his headboard we found a bottle of crisco sitting on top of his porn magazines.
I guess we all know what he was cookin.
he came and i only had my diet coke to rinse.. can you say coke float?
I just saw some girl with the liscense plate "OBVIII"...I never wanted to get in a car accident so badly.
All I've accomplished this quarter is making Uno an acceptable drinking game.
No i dont need Magnum Condoms, that would be like putting MC Hammer pants on my dick
you sat in the middle of your kitchen floor feeding your dog blueberries one by one
You know how the doctor said I need to stop being vegan unless I find a way to get more protein? There's protein in beer. The doctor wants me to drink more beer.
AT THIS RATE YOU WILL HAVE FUCKED MORE OF MY CLOSE FRIENDS THAN I HAVE PEOPLE PERIOD BY VALENTINE'S DAY.
Sober me admires drunk me's enthusiasm, but there is no way I'm going to make it out there today.
Lol drunk you is so full ideas and happy. Sober you is full of grumpy reality.
You now have the mental image of me flying off into the sunset with no pants
He overslept for our prescheduled morning sex. The fact that my vagina isn't enough to get him out of bed was the last straw.
... Okay, fine. But I don't want to be a better person tonight. I'll be a better person tomorrow.
Your vagina needs to teach my vagina its ways.
i spent most of last night convincing myself that dan akroyd wasn't actually standing in my bathroom holding a dead chicken
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