where are you
in your bedroom
how did you get in
your wife…
WTF
I bought a fake diamond ring to wear, not only to bars to keep the creeps away, but so that I'll be judged less by the front desk girl at Planned Parenthood
I need input, can I pre-game my cat scan?
Potato salad is not cupcake ingredient
Started with us just having a beer. Now Ivan lit a torch to walk to the store, Ben smashed a 26 in the parking lot, and they're throwing broken shot glasses. Fratio Friday is something.
sorry for the naked aussie man in your room last night, he got lost on his way to the bathroom
they paper machayed me.
i told you ... never pass out drinking with preschool teachers.
The highlight of your blackout was when you drunk showered with the garden hose and emailed your boss your vacation requests for the next year.
I'm laying in bed listening to Purple Rain on repeat. If you wanna bone, come up, but if not, at least Prince understands me.
I think I ripped my underwear last night doing drunk squats
Sooooooo Your wife and your girlfriend are making cat noises at one another via text
Okay, this next statement may sound like a red flag but I'm tellin you, shotgunning those two beers really helped me love my child more effectively. Honest.
I hate her so much I want to fuck her boyfriend.
First non virgin Sunday. Bursts into flames.
I am still worried she'll have a seizure durring. What would I do? Try to ride it out and finish, or pull out and assist?
Randomize