I think I'm going to be in trouble for sneaking out last night. My Dad saw me drive up this morning when he was leaving early for work.
What'd you say?
I told him I was sleep driving
I want to have your abortion
Sweater Vest, Chin Strap, Beard, sporting a white Beret- Please don't ever let me be THAT guy.
So I don't think its herpes anymore. Could be a sign of diabetes though. Is it bad that I consider getting diabetes 'dodging a bullet'?
I woke up hungover and reached for a glass of water only to realize too late that it was vodka sprite with my splooge in it.
you texted me last night and told me you couldn't find the toilet.
That explains the puddle of pee in my closet.
God damn. I'm really starting to resent babies. They're everywhere. Like fucking land mines.
LSD in a sugar cube. Dropped it in my whiskey sour and felt like I was rowing a boat.
I take your giggles as a yes to operation McLaxitives?
I was just crying my tits off and he was just sitting there listening. I was an open book of embarrassing life stories.
Wine is not your friend.
I'm two sheets to the sexual wind
Thirty seconds is a long time in jizz time...
Is it sad that I just pissed sitting down so I didn't have to stop eating doritos?
I think I left my bra and my crocs in your room
Our livers get a hall pass for 2020, right?
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