i'm only drinking out of pineapples from now on.
just upgraded from jello shots to jello bowls blacking out just got that much more delicious
Just whacked off in the middle of writing a paper, gave me great ideas. Note, should do this more often.
surgery went fine. i cant breath out of my right nostril though. lets not eat peas anymore when we are drunk.
I found a tip from a dart in my bra this morning
He sent me a picture of him bent over showing his asshole with the caption "vwahla".... No more tequila for either of you
Hey did where's my bong?
In the tree out back .... Top branch on the right
Should I bother to ask?
Can you explain to me the broken disco ball in my front yard?
WTF YOU SHOULDNT BREAK A SWEAT TAKING A SHIT. MY BODY HATES ME.
It might've been him telling me last night that he "doesn't even need beer goggles to fuck me." When I thought that was sweet, I realized something needed to change.
Dude... She just sent me a story of how she wants to fuck me on a boat and call me her captain.. Well ahoy mateys, lets set sail
Jager makes that raccoon appear... The one that shits in a basket in my living room.
Not a problem, sailor. I speak both autocorrect and typo.
It doesn't count as "finding the lesbian" if you fuck a straight girl!
In my defense I didn't know there was concrete on the other side of that fence when I tossed him over it.
You're both fucking idiots and this is why I should never let you two drink alone.
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