She actually said during sex "the only thing that would make this more perfect is if we were listening to Lenny Kravitz"
So, obviously, you had to give a fake number this morning.
Yes. Also, we may never be able to go back to that bar again.
I'm sitting at the bar eating dinner next to a nerd, a guy in a 10 gallon hat, and a policeman. I feel like I joined The Village People
just had sex in his gielfriend's bed, and puked all over it. i need to get out of here.
he took off my shirt and said 'oh my god the legends are true'
I'm at Lowes and I'm constantly looking for things to vomit in, just in case
Hooked up with an Aussie chick last night only an Indonesian chick away from completing my lap around the pacific rim
Please, take the 2 shots of vodka that I left as an apologie.
Threw up on the baby. National Tequila Day is the eve of National I'm A Horrible Nanny Day.
Made eye contact with a friendly neighborhood dog walker while violently puking out the window. How's your Wednesday going?
Had a guy spin me around at the bar, kiss me then say "oh shit you're not who I thought you were" and then walk away.
7:26 bus just came. I am sweatier than Louie Anderson eating chili in a sauna
Yes, you can go into Petsmart drunk but the cats awaiting adoption don't appreciate the soft pretzels squeezed through their cages.
Yes. I masterbate to Harry Potter. It's what our generation does.
Only thing exciting about him was his dick.
Last 4 google searches: class c felony, scary ghosts, peanut butter jelly time, Lindsey lohans vagina
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