He walked in and put an x made out of tape on the floor. He then announced that he was going to pass out there. Cocky or strategic?
I'm wayyy too drunk to be in a parade right now
My cousin had a baby so we have to look at it. Apparently the event is byob
I should show up to the gym drunk more often. I felt like i really motivated all the fat people.
I stole so many things from the ER last night.
You didn't see us wave? How could you not? We were all going like 10mph screaming at you. We were stoned and didnt wanna run over pedestrians
You slept with a red coat way too close to independence day. It's just very unpatriotic.
I need to think of the best way to tell this boy he's not getting his pants back
Exactly. Motivated vaginas are the best kind of vagina
It's only slutty if you don't have his number. Unless there's a full moon. Then anything goes.
Is there a polite way to say "Sorry for your head injury but I still want to hook up"?
How are you feeling this morning?
Well, I just found day old puke in my bra, so I've been better.
By the way can you translate "sorry, she played you bruh" to Spanish? Some Hispanic guy who spoke absolutely no English callled me last night and when I tried to tell him he had the wrong number the response was "como? No no no no...." And then click. He was gone
I saw a picture of a baby and it reminded me to take my birth control. Priorities
You wouldn't eat with utensils. You insisted on making your own spoon out of a bendy straw and staples while singing "I'm a survivor" by Destiny's Child.
Randomize
