Wait. When you mean sick you mean a cold sick right ? not something else.
Omg. Never. Take a laxative the day you are going on. A date.
i wish that high-me and normal-me were two different ppl so that high-me could thank normal-me for setting out a feast before smoking
I wish that high-you wouldn't text me stupid shit at 3:30 in the morning
He's got a pretty small dick but he's a total sweetheart. I'm gonna buy a new dildo and just deal with it.
They went to the hospital to try backflips in the parking lot. Be ready for the call
As if me making pizza in a skillet wasn't enough proof that I was in no state to be cooking, this burn blister on my hand is
He brought a girl home so fat he called me before they got home to unlock the right side of the French doors
Fuck he won the bet
Should I have a moral quandary about Skyping topless with him while his son slept in the other room?
He autographed my vag. This fuck just got authentic.
I just want brownies and waffles and someone to lick my tits
Nothing like waking up naked and alone on your floor to remind you that you make life mistakes often.
You said dick pics aren't attractive
Random ones, from strangers, no. But a beautiful penis I know and love, absolutely :3
i woke up with 5 inch heels locked on my feet and my car keys missing. this is gonna be an interesting walk home
He told me I had smoking hot areolas then he wins an executive of the year award. How does that even happen?
Also what’s the official rule on washing one guy’s jizz off my back before I go out with another guy? That I should?
Randomize
