he made me salute his american flag boxers before i took them off
Remind me to tell you the Scottish bar story tomorrow
Remind me to tell you it was a shitty story when you're done telling it tomorrow
all thats left of you is your magnum wrapper on my dresser
I just smelled my beer. It smells like coming home.
I think this breakup is Gods way of telling me I deserve a bigger dick
Was rudely woken up by strangers at 4:15am. I was leaning against the stoplight at 9th
He showed me his night stand drawer...it has one too many sex things in it.
Exactly how many...is TOO many?
Brightest idea yet: lets drink enough at ladies-drink-free nights to make up for the cost of tampons. Breaking even on having vaginas!
Got drunkdialed by my estranged mom while wallowing in pinkeye drinking 100 proof eating ramen alone. Year summed up perfectly.
he pulled my tampon string out with his teeth like a grenade pin yelling frag out! That's why I fuck guys back from deployment. They'll go the distance
I have hobbies that aren't destroying myself and others...i can make hats.....
He walked into the bar with a pineapple and they served him AND the pineapple
We need to feng shui this bitch.
So I wore my ankle step-counter exercise thingy while I rode him. Don't fuck him- I only burned .2 pounds.
OMG. When you threw the used condom on your floor you threw it in my purse!!! I just went to grab my headphones and it was stuck to them!
Randomize
