I just realized i haven't had sex in 2009. oh man thats embarrassing.
Its not small because its small, Its small because it was cold outside
You slow danced with your carpet steamer last night.
Not sure why I sent you a picture of a black bear last night but it seemed like a good idea at the time.
He just asked for the blowjob I promised him 3 years ago that he'd get the next time Michigan beat Ohio State. Goddamnit.
You better of fucked him last night or do it now because he is buying all the roommates McDonald's.
Listening to Whitney Houston sing the National Anthem while I shit before going out tonight. America.
YOU CHEATED ON ME WITH THE WOMAN THAT IS STAYING AT YOUR HOUSE. FORGIVE ME IF IM NOT THINKING YOUR A DEDICATED BOYFRIEND.
I met her daughter,who I went to high school with on my way out this morning. She didn't seem to surprised. I love older women.
I wanted to get all my legit stuff out, but then I decided I didn't trust drunk me with my own things
Good decision.
I can't have my last hookup before 21 have been behind a dumpster
I'm gonna snort this pill I found on the ground cause that's how classy I am. Watch football and eat Beef jerky. Domesticated at its finest.
I have never encountered a chode in the wild
I'm pretty sure the guy on the dance floor with crutches just smacked me in the butt with one. Do you think he's flirting?
For the record, if you sneeze while you have a dildo in your vagina and you dont have a good grip on it, that thing can get some distance.
Randomize
