somehow in between the body shots the bong hits and trying to convince the 7-11 lady to let me fill up my vodka bottle with cherry slurpee. i misplaced my car.
Everyone knows that the fastest route to a corporate advancement is to take a shot in the mouth
we were exchanging secrets last night... she told me about how she put markers in her vaj in middle school. found a keeper.
she said she didn't want to sleep with me again because I wasnt a generous lover. I ignored her slight moustache, didnt i? i think thats pretty damn generous
If I can't get slightly excited by the thought of his face between my legs then I know I can never sleep with him.
I'm now drinking beer through a straw. By order of the bartender.
Please tell me that is you having sex in my car in my driveway and not a complete stranger.
Last time we had an ultimatum like that, things went very far south. I'm down, but it's your turn to wake up in a hospital.
I'm in a dress, surrounded by Republicans, and the bartender just told me he's "out of Jack Daniels" in a very accusatory tone. Shit, is it only 8 PM?
That rando I gave head to on the beach just endorsed me on LinkedIn for Oral Communication Skills. So there's that.
We BOTH lost our virginities there. It's basically a landmark.
apparently my buddy was fucking on our couch downstairs so i decided it was necessary to walk downstairs naked in a hockey mask.
I finished my first whiskey and I'm waiting to have a second one in celebration when your pregnancy test comes back negative
Excuse me I just made a hot pocket without burning down the house, I think i can do anything.
Every time I look at him 'Relax' by Frankie Goes to Hollywood plays in my head. Is that weird?
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