in the event that i am dead, my body is laying in the intersection of ... the pearl in springfield. it was my friend's 21st but i think i'm dead. wearing a black top. like i said, probably dead.
that's an acceptable place to lick
And then a tiny penis fell out of my purse
I'm sorry you missed class, the topic today is copy and paste. I'm not even kidding.
I think I just agreed to be an escort for an Asian guy who's gonna be in the city next weekend before he moves back to Shanghai...
you never texted me what you wanted from the store so I got a piece of chicken and bottle of tequila. if you want anything else you are on your own.
If you wanna be a real wingman, create some insecurity and comment on that pic of all the hot girls with "Id do every girl in this pic.. except the fat one".
Eating cold pizza and drinking a beer for breakfast while standing in a hotel window naked is how I say hello September...
Professor just informed us that she can't come to class today because her daughter broke her glasses and she can not see where she is going. Am I still drunk from this weekend?
Cooked breakfast with his mom this morning...I'm like the housewife of one night stands
I just did a line of coke with an Olympic bronze medallist. I guess we know why he only got bronze.
The dude at Coffee Bean just handed me my tea latte and whispered, "pomegranate blueberry is such a sexy flavor". With a wink. I'm almost certain that there's an STD floating around in my drink.
You got me 4 pizzas and i just saw this. I'm too drunk for this shit. I just yelled "4 pizzas holy shit!" At the pizza dude
You're officially the most high maintenance man I've ever had inside me.
how did you set a fucking salad on fire????????
Randomize
