hey babe thanks for tonight, it was fun.
to be honest, i wanna fuck your friend.
You just took 4 shots. 2 of them were maple syrup.
its sad that the first thing i assume is that ur trying to indirectly tell me you fucked on a breakfast table
by asking you if you bought one for the apartment?
Just heard the new 'We are the world' ... Can I get my 10 bucks for Haiti back?
YOU SUCK AT REPLYING IM IRRESPOSNIBLY DRUNK WHAT THE FUCK ARE YOU DOING WITH YOU LIFE. celebrate the magicness with me.
The bruises are from paintball. The money is from me being awesome
there is a dorito bag in my car full of my mouth blood
All I know is....there's beer in my camera. How do I know? Because I can pick up my camera,shake it and HEAR, the beer in it
I'm getting "congrats on your engagement" shots. I need to get engaged more often!
I was told that I need a reference for my blow job skills. Be expecting a phone call tomorrow.
I just realized it's officially fall..I had sex while watching Halloween
Did you know that chef boy-ar-dee was a real person? I watched a show about him. the history of the ravioli is more scandalous than you would think.
I guess you could say the date didn’t go so well since I was drunkenly Snapchatting with my ex by the end of it.
and then she sorta stared at me like "holy shit" and I looked down and my dog was licking her ass
Ruff night.
Some guy at the bar last night bought us Arrowhead water and I was so drunk, it tasted good
Randomize
