Last night started off great but became the saddest day of my life when i was drunk in a hotel room eating day old mac and cheese out of a yatzee cup with a coffee lid as a spoon...
my goal in life is to wake up with my underwear on
new call of duty comes out in november. guess im not passing my finals
I wish they had a "No Yankees" filter on status updates.
he didn't want to fuck because he was too busy skateboarding. what are we 12? I'm too old for this shit.
Bought two parrots for us. I'm keeping them at the Bellagio.
I lost my keys but found four buffalo wings in my pockets
By the power invested in me, I now pronounce your taco to be meaty. Meaty taco meaty taco meaty meaty meaty taco.
Guess what happened to me today at work?
I have chlamydia. What happened.
Oh lets talk about your news first. Mine is happy so it should go second.
You slow clapped the stripper last night.
Drinking vodka straight from my water bottle because of the debate. I just need to forget.
I'm laying in bed listening to Purple Rain on repeat. If you wanna bone, come up, but if not, at least Prince understands me.
If you're funny as hell and have a mustache, odds are I'm probably gonna fuck you
Idk woke up on the suite in someone else's clothing and actually broke my ankle
At a bar in the city and the whole place starting singing “Happy Birthday” to someone. Everyone but me. The person next to me leaned over and said, “Why didn’t you sing along?!?” I responded, “I don’t know him. I don’t give a shit if he has a happy birthday.”
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