it was just fiscally responsible to stop going to strip clubs where the strippers recognized me
She just stuck her hand down the strippers pants. Shit just got real.
It was a deal breaker when she told me not to wear a condom and god would decide if we were meant to be together.
I was ashamed to still be in my green tank this morning, but there's a guy here in full on bright green pants and a green blazer. He looks like the lucky charms guy stretched out at drunker than usual. Now, I fade into the background.
He changed his profile picture to him as a baby. Definitely a turn off. This will help in my "don't-be-a-slut-endeavors"
What can i say, i'm an artist. I think deep thoughts. In between the homoerotica and pterodactyl noises
You don't know commitment until you try and waterproof a non-waterproof vibrator
There's a ton of international students in my suite and I'm just sitting in this chair with no pants on eating frosted flakes
All I know is that I woke up with glitter all over me and blood on my shoes. It wasn't my blood.
What kind of paramedic is he, some dude is dying back there and he's trying to get laid
Don't you hate falling asleep on the couch with a glass of wine in your hand? It's like dreaming about peeing and then realizing you've peed the bed only stickier.
I just found out my younger brother has me saved in his contacts as "Womb Primer" and I don't know what to do with this information
Taking out my recycling and 90% of it is alcohol and cat food. I am judging myself.
just passed a kid drinking a beer at 2pm. clearly it's the last day of break.
They have a shelf full of jello shots, what have i gotten myself into
Randomize
