So I'm going back to my apartment just to get my vibrator.
I thought you were moving in with your boyfriend for the summer?
Well....one will keep me from having to pay rent and the other satisfies. I'll let you figure it out.
we're out of white wine, toilet paper and windex... too hard to explain via text
you rubbed the head of my dick and said "I shall call you Squishy and you shall be mine and you shall be my Squishy."
Its like a 4.5 hour drive but there's drinking involved so I'm destined to go
3 things. 1. is this real life 2. my liver hates me 3. keg race tonight
Double vision is so hot when a big dick is in sight. Thank you Bud Light.
So Monday we're lesbians.
Deal. This decision is final and any rebates on this will result in losing an eyeball.
BABIES FOR EVERYONE. I'd be like Oprah except with babies
Vegas is great, yelled at a guy 4 lanes over if he wanted a bj. ended up having sex in a vacant lot. I think he was homeless.
You know it's a good weekend when you wake up on Sunday questioning your sexuality.
i just woke with half a bagel saran wrapped to my phone and a cookie in an envelope beside my head...
My mom wants to name our new dog the same name as my fuck buddy. This will be weird
I found a Trump-humping republican virgin born on the goddamn Fourth of July. I NEED to hate-fuck him.
i don't think the phrases "so shitty" & "taking care of my newborn" should be combined in the same sentence. leave it to her to make it possible eh?
Pillow talk was a high five, this morning she made dinosaur muffins for the house. I love chapel hill
Randomize
