The bars here don't close until 4!
my legs don't close until 4
He came up there while i was bartending, ate a salad, told me he wanted to divorce me, then tipped me 10 dollars....
An accidental pregnancy to a guy with a trustfund is no mistake. It is a gift from god.
no drinking for a week
if by week you mean tonight and by no you means yes
Dude, seduce him with cookies. You almost turned me gay with scones. Don't be surprised when they get you laid.
He bought me a burrito. I introduced him as "Horse-Dicked Jake" all night. My debt has been repaid.
So I'm about to drive his drunk ass home and he spits on my car. Before I can say, "Dude, what the fuck?!", he puts his finger to my lips and goes "shhh, its in the past."
Wait do we still get bagels if no one got laid
I know it doesn't seem right, but sometimes, bagels are just flat out called for.
My day in three words: secret purse cake
Also this time, I didn't have a random creepy guy come up from behind me, grab my junk, and whisper "where's the cocaine?" in my ear. So that's also a win.
high moment I think I just reached personal nirvana
CUM CAME OUT OF MY NOSE. MY SINUSES ARE ENTIRELY FUCKED UP NOW BC OF THE CUM TRAVELING IN PLACES IT SHOULD NOT HAVE.
How do u even exfoliate your vagina
That was right around the time that the drunken mess pulled out his dick in front of myself and like 10 other people and started peeing all over the train platform while saying, "Sometimes a bear gets you brother. Sometimes a bear gets you."
Pretty standard Thursday night commute for you, no?
What kind of friend would I be if I didn't make you hate things you once loved?
Randomize
