I just found out she jerks off to lesbian porn too honest to god
you wouldn't believe how perfect a match this is its scary
he keeps dipping things in ranch and feeding them to me
apparently i was offering everyone ambien and shouting, it's only like heath ledger if you want it to be!
Dating a girl 4 years younger than you is like living in a Taylor Swift song...
I'm at the casino and some dude apparently has money in an entire row of slot machines. Its like watching a really intense adult version of wack a mole
If someone would have told me in preschool that I was going to do him I would have said no
You slid down the bannister into a split. Lines were crossed.
I started scrolling back in our texts looking for context and a picture of your dick rose like the Great Pumpkin in the middle of my screen.
I walked in, the bartender looked at me, grabbed 3 shot glasses and a pounder. Lined them up on the bar then made a line with salt on the other side of them and said I wasn't allowed to cross it.
There's some band that practices next door to my apartment. I'm thinking we may need to check that out. I could be like, "Hey boys, thought you might like some lemonade and vagina."
I was just randomly reminded of the night you were wrapped up in a bed sheet carrying a full bottle of cookie dough vodka and warning neighbors of the weirdos running around
Wish me luck. My vagina needs it.
May his noodley appendage touch you.
I took multi-tasking to a new level. I just ate a plate of nachos off my lap while driving to the bar. And I barely got any on me.
and then she sorta stared at me like "holy shit" and I looked down and my dog was licking her ass
Ruff night.
At a bar in the city and the whole place starting singing “Happy Birthday” to someone. Everyone but me. The person next to me leaned over and said, “Why didn’t you sing along?!?” I responded, “I don’t know him. I don’t give a shit if he has a happy birthday.”
Randomize
