What do you do when the person in the stall next to you says they're jealous?
I tried to cut him off and he said "I was the president of a fraternity for 3 years, I could outdrink God."
I think your going to be the cause of an awesome death
My chemistry professor just asked me if I ever found a ride home from the bar last Saturday
At the end of the white elephant exchange, our professor had a big black dildo around her neck and I won a full body dinosaur suit. I could die tomorrow with no regrets.
When he texted me, I got a little wet. Until he asked me to get Jimmy Johns before I got to his house.
Smoked a joint with my old camp counselor and now we're going to a strip club. There is a god.
Orientation leader success, day 1: incoming freshman just ate out his first sorority girl. I gave him a 7/10.
he pulled my tampon string out with his teeth like a grenade pin yelling frag out! That's why I fuck guys back from deployment. They'll go the distance
So my ex vomited in front of my door and passed out there
I just saw a guy walking up the stairs with his dick out his pants. I let him know, and he just looked down in shock, laughed, and continued walking up the stairs.
All I wanted was a good weekend full of booze, laughs, and maybe some penis. Instead, someone is in the hospital, I didn't sleep at all last night. And not because I got laid.
You’re going to be a doctor, and I’m going to be a trophy wife. We both have goals
If she didn't have scissors in her hand I would have motor boated the fuck out of her when she was done cutting my hair.
So I tried to catch a rabbit in Terraria & accidentally blew it up with a grenade made of bees. Monty Python would be proud.
Randomize
