That fat broad you banged out last night is still here and I can hear her snoring through the living room wall. I would leave, but I don't want to come home to an empty fridge.
Singing into hair straightener during spice girls....sooo dangerous
I am literally hand feeding my crying ex boyfriend taco bell. What has my life become?
$150 bar tab covered by these tits. That's now the going rate. Keeping my bra on during sex unless i see the Benjamins.
I have got to stop making out with redheads. I need to sign my life over to my dad like Britney Spears.
On a totally unrelated note, captain four hour sexcapades lost it in his boxers this morning and tried to pretend it didnt happen. Lmao
So I got lost trying to find you guys and ended up proposing to a bride in a bachelorette party with a condom.
As soon as he came we went to Dairy Queen. That drive through lady was very condescending about our "just fucked" ice cream.
Got head at the top of a water slide over-looking the valley while wearing a sombrero and drinking a corona. Epic.
I asked you for a cigarette and you handed me your phone and told me to search for one
I just took a service station dump so foul I had to buy gas out of guilt
Good friends chat about sex - great friends ask about safe words.
Like, when both of your dads are drag queens you're bound to have some amazing Halloween makeup
I just want to be like "i dont know you but ive seen your penis & i like it"
Do not buy a prego test at the Walgreens you frequent. It's awkward. Just trust me.
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