You think if I promise to behave for the rest of my life, god will let me fuck her on the regular?
I think I should become a real estate agent in th friend zone I know the place so well
I think I'd do Clint Eastwood.
...kinda gettin a major gay vibe from you right now.
That was a text you sent me last night.
Is there a nice way to say "I like you, but I hate your dick?"
I knew as soon as I saw that pole that I was going to wake up the next morning with bruises.
Remember when spice girls "Two Become One" came on just as we were about to fuck? talk about a boner jam
I just really need to get the matching flask to go with my pill box. Is this another step towards rock bottom?
I FOUND THE NORMAL CONDOMS. THIS IS GOD TELLING ME TO CHASE AFTER MY DREAM.
I WISH WE COULD PLAY THE DRINKING GAME TOGETHER AND THEN BANG FOR AMERICA.
Look at the picture I MADE him take with me...like why??? He's holding my foot?
I thought it was pretty weird, but after the marinating loins thing, i figured i'd roll with it.
I had my room mate call my phone after last night and it was in an uncooked quesadilla
In hindsight, I probably should not have let the waiter give me a chiropractic adjustment on my neck last night.
He took my necklace off while we were 69ing. His tongue never stopped moving either. Take that, guys who can't figure out how bras work.
You followed me up the stairs while i was throwing up yelling "projectile! projectile! projectile!"
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