What started out as a threesome has become me sitting here watching them have sex... Can I get a ride home?
I sat in the mc D drive thru and refused to move till the chick gave me her number
I forgot to tell you thank you for putting me out when I was on fire. im sure I'll laught about this someday...
I thought stuff was gonna go really bad after he filled the super-soaker with kerosene. but it all turned out pretty well.
In fairness it was pretty good sex, but I still wasn't expecting the mass cheering and applause he got on leaving my tent
What would you do in exchange for having a girl eat a waffle house waffle off your body?
He was showing him the picture of the 40 year old woman he made out with in Florida, turns out Chris made out with the same woman.
Go her
I'm laying in my house looking at chocolate pudding drip from the ceiling onto my partially erect penis... Yay for shrooms!
I slept with someone only because he got my Simon Birch impression. It was a new low.
I almost had to fight a bird, and you know how scared I am of birds. It found that Percocet that I lost in the grass last week, I threw out my back when I launched myself at that little fucker.
How do you say happy birthday to someone you fuck occasionally that almost got you arrested? Like what do I text.
We are 100% horrible people, and im extremely happy we are friends
Dropped the bowl in the litter box. But it landed face up. What do I do?
And despite my lack of successful relationships I'm a fucking guru
That's like claiming you're a good coach but going 2-12 last season
Yes I went home with her last night. I woke up this morning and ran into my boss on the way to the bathroom. Monday is going to suck at work.
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