hey remember that time we got really drunk, you tried to find narnia in my refrigerator and passed out in the freezer drawer??
no.
I'm stoned in an empty parking lot listening to dave matthews while looking for a lighter.... I feel like I sent this 7 years ago.
Is there any way to un-invite somebody to a wedding? I just checked out the other family, and I can't have a cockblock there.
I'm hoping to finish this bottle of wine before I pass out, I don't want the remainder spilling on my white down comforter.
Just threw up in the waiting room. I can't believe I have to switch dermatologists again.
just found out i can blow out the flame on the grill lighter fill my mouth with butane and ignite a fireball
He told me I was a pleasure to arrest. That's the 2nd time I've heard that.
Bro... You handed me an ice cube from your drink and said "tell me if it tastes like pickles".
I asked her why she named her vibrator Lorenzo and said it was the name she started screaming her first time.
My logic for bringing him home was, he's in law school so odds are he wouldn't kill me.
Now I have to set an alarm for less than 6 hours from now to wake her up, get her showered and get her to her first day of tutoring a kid from her church. WTF is my life?
Sooooooo Your wife and your girlfriend are making cat noises at one another via text
i sent him a nude and he responded 6 hours later
what did he say?
"oh m god,,, whow '!!!!nm"
We both knew it was over when I took a u turn at her belly button.
Her hand jobs are magic. They smell like vanilla and awesomeness. She made me forget how to walk
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