I thought it couldn't get worse until she said "Nipple hair"
My mom is getting really tired of hearing the excuse 'it's 5 oclock somewhere'
I want to fuck you on the side of the bed tonight.
babe, don't say it like that!
I'm sorry, I want to penetrate you on the edge of our sleeping quarters this evening.
then you said,"Take this damn cabbage!" although it was actually your shirt. i found you in the elevator of his building.
He's cute when he's drunk, too. Also he tried to fight my door...
NOT EVEN KIDDING RIGHT NOW. THE GUY IN THE SPIDERMAN COSTUME JUST FELL OFF THE ROOF INTO A BABY POOL. GET HERE NOW!!
hoooly shit dude in taco costume challenged alpha douche to a fight. he's got catch phrases. come. now.
Thank god for federal credentials. Waaaaayyyy to hungover to go through airport security lines right now.
We hooked up with 2 friends last night as always and she stole their fucking cocaine and I just had to drive to their house and make her give it back to him hahshshahahah only me
Nothing more ironic than raw dogging some random Asian hottie last night and then doing the walk of shame home from her place mixed in with the participants of the AIDS walk
The guy who said he's gonna suck your butthole till your face caves in is at Maggie's
I've never had to kick an employee out of bed to go to work before.
Lots of tissues. Maybe pizza. Only time will tell. The stages of political grief.
This girl in my class is lecturing my professor about zombies. It has been going on for 15 minutes.
Zombies?
Zombies.
I think I should write my liver a thank you note. If it had my work ethic, I would be dead now.
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