my boobs are a 3G dead zone. as soon as i take my phone out of my bra, it has a signal again.
the thought of Anne Coulter teabagging Dick Cheney kills me everytime.
I have absolutely nothing sober to say to you.
I'm trying to figure if this dude sitting in his car with the door open is dead or just sleeping. Someone was probably wondering the same thing bout me 20 minutes ago. Your meeting is taking a ridiculous amount of time.
Woke up naked next to Alex and he was braiding my hair and then commented on how healthy my hair was. I don't even know anymore..
I drank it. I drank the beer from '78. I drank my bday beer, I drank my soul
What's the mantra for Sunday?
I will not have sex with him.
WHY AM I CRAWLING IN OLDER MEN HOLY JESUS
The three yr old girl I nanny grabbed a pole just now and is chanting "this is my house"
Sounds like you at that dive bar last weekend
I can't have my last hookup before 21 have been behind a dumpster
I just realized my hands still smell like your cock. Which is awesome, but I wonder if the clerk at the store appreciated it.
I feel bad. I'm the reason hand sanitizer exists.
It's official. Post baseball sex is better than post hockey sex. I hope the Blue Jays win the world series.
He told me to keep watching the Grammys and then went down on me.. I think I'm in love.
roommates are droppin acid, i really should stop them from staring directly at the light bulb, but their giggles are so enchanting.
I’m 37 with a career and a home and yesterday my niece set up Snapchat so I can sext with my 22 year old boyfriend/fuck buddy. Yes. Yes I’d say I need help?
Randomize
