I just took a girl with a hip brace and crutches on a date. she obviously can't bone. is it rude to demand a blowjob?
im spending all my christmas money on new years parafanalia aka things I will ingest or lose by the next morning
I don't think I have ever been told that I am "probably too drunk to pet the stingrays" by a cop before.
He was singing Will Smith Just the Two of Us to his burrito. That high.
i feel sorry for the hotel staff that makes the bed after we have sex
advice for life: when the cop takes your tallboy, don't ask for your coozy back
Stumbled into class and into a desk. When I fell my bottle broke in my backpack. I had to leave there was vodka everywhere.
Don't lose. A little bit of my soul dies every time a beer pong game is lost.
Woke up next to a tiki torch spooning a plastic flamingo on a welcome mat i've never seen before with a "happy valentines day" balloon tied to my wrist, oh yeah and "i am a cougar" is written on my chest in sharpee and all the kitchen furniture is upside down...
The only things in my fridge are almond milk, Smirnoff Ice and chicken noodle soup. I'd say I've done mama proud.
Just saw the bridesmaid use her new sister in law as a stripper pole
He somehow always manages to get me naked within 5 minutes of being together. It's like fucking witchcraft.
My cat just tried to lay on my stomach while I was masturbating. And I let her because I am so starved for affection.
He seems like a nice guy. I mean, I know he's married and he's essentially paying me to be his side hoe, but he really seems like a good person.
I could be doing way worse things besides texting him 'come over and bang my headache away'. i could be on meth
Randomize
