how come the more i say "don't get it in my eyes," the more gets in my eyes
my dad is drunk dialing our relatives who are stuck in a blizzard asking them to pick up sun tan lotion for him cause hes too drunk to drive to the store.
Just got cockblocked by coyotes. This would happen to me.
Just made nachos out of string cheese and sunchips and laying in my bed watching babay einstion..get on my level
She broke both of her ankles trying to jump off the balcony. it's like every time she drinks she makes even more impressively bad decisions than the last time
You overflowed the toilet cuz you tried to flush apples. you said they were singing too loudly
Right... Let's keep my vodka tinged mind focused on simple words
Make the kitchen floor stop waving. Im trying to lay on it
so I may or may not have had intense sex to mozart's greatest hits on vinyl... I don't know if I should be proud or just really disappointed in my nerdness
I thought you might think I was an idiot who thought cock rings prevent STDs,
The only monogamous relationship I can keep is with my eyebrow lady...
Hey man, when I left for work she was laying on the couch naked cuddling your keurig, can you clean that mess up?
Turns out that Irishman put my panties under his pillow afterward. Thanks?
Please don't bang more than two exes at a time, just so I won't get confused.
I WANNA SUCK HIS DICK ON A BOAT
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