Crap im kindd 0f drunkk we just hooked up in a mcdonalds parking lot but i dont know why how we are here
You wouldn't stop asking the hibachi cook if his knife was a hattori hanzo
it's not our fault the pink and the sink are so close together.
she gave me a handjob in the middle of the night and my stomach growled so she walked out totally naked and came back 5 minutes later with two sandwiches. who the fuck says getting married is awful?
You said your dick dragged you up the stairs
They ran out of vodka so we started doing Body Doritos.
sometimes i think my sole purpose in life is to cockblock my roommate
You gave the cab driver your pants as collateral while you ran in the house for money.
There is a pile of hair outside the apartment next door. At least now I know what all that shouting was about last night.
I have a 16 minute video of you talking about your life. We are calling it your Anthology sponsored by Steel Reserve
but seriously, if you see a redhead running down the street tonight in a carrot costume, call 911. He's tripping hard.
On a scale from 1-10 how wrong is it to request "I Hit It First" at my ex's wedding reception?
Definite 12.2 but worth it.
If he gets me coffee, cold or no I'll make him see Jesus with my mouth.
its 2pm and were already starting beer pong...its gonna be a good night
i told her we had a class about unicorns together. i'd say it was a good night
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