My sheets at my parents place are clean. No braveheart but I can paint myself, yell "freedom", and sword fight you with my cock. So come over.
im officially scared..,i finally realized who my boyfriend reminds me of! spencer pratt
I think id rather eat ped egg shavings.
We should make a goal to do one active thing a day, even if its like throwing a ball
And by ball i mean playing catch. Beer pong does not count as an activity
Apparently I took one a huge picture off the wall at the bar and was walking around dancing with it..
I feel like everyone would be happy with that as a present too. "Oh you got me pussy for Christmas?! How'd you know?!"
The number of injuries I get impersonating Shakira while drunk is getting ridiculous. Sprained vagina, dude.
Just so you know, my new pet parrot tried to bond sexually with me today. That is what Google told me. I'm not sure of its gender.
he was high. i was rolling face. we were both wearing grateful dead t shirts. at that point it's like we had no choice but to fuck
Should I have spent my entire pay check on Crown Royal and LSD? No. Do I regret it? Also, no.
You're officially the most high maintenance man I've ever had inside me.
I was on tinder the whole time I was waiting for my pregnancy test results at the doctors.
not that i'm not about exploiting men for money
What conversation warrents "penis" in rainbow comic sans
The night got way more interesting after Jimmy started doing summersaults in front of the bar.
Randomize
