also, you're talking to the girl for whom "deformed baby arm" wasn't quite a dealbreaker.
i turned job hunting into a drinking game..
I put the beer in my little red riding hood basket.
the biggest problem in our relationship is that im team edward and my boyfriend is team jacob
They only knew me as the lesbian that passed out in a bathtub. That's not what you call friendship.
Dude Eric's high and buying everyone taquitos. How much room do we have in the freezer?
Apparently, I showed up wrapped in caution tape and immediately jumped on the stripper pole and started making very sexual gestures at the birthday girl. We lasted ten minutes.
I drunken agreed to go wedding dress shopping with a stranger at the bar yesterday. She sent me an email asking what days I am free.
Only the gays. Guy gives me a handjob in the steam, then changes next to me under his towel
Only the gays
The only difference between us and a pack of 14 year old girls is substance abuse
Did I just hear you ask Siri about the meaning of life?
Nothing says "class act" like eating acid in the middle of a Buffalo Wild Wings
Lynn just told me "I heard about your divorce. Condoms or morning pill your choice and I'm buying". Sorry but I got plans now bro.
And here I am, playing fetch with my cat at two in the morning.
Sent. All. My. Texts. Like. This. Last. Night. Thank. You. Weed. Also. Had. A. Dream. About. A. Serial. Killer. That. Killed. Everyone. Except. Me. And.
Randomize
