I have a deodorant stick dedicated to my balls.
Nothing says I've got my life together like buying a jumbo bottle of 7$ wine in sweat pants on a monday night
Well, I just hope you know I had your best interests at heart when I put your sandwich down my pants.
I Know I'm the drunk girl in the trunk right now, BUT PLEASE LISTEN TO ME!
I didn't cheat on him. He just hasn't been informed of the open part of our relationship.
i hope youre ready for a shit show because we just ordered a whole pitcher of red headed sluts
Look at you go. You're like the Slutty Librarian that Could. They should write children's books about you. Children's books for adults.
An old man just slapped my ass and handed me five dollars while I was filling chips at subway. I feel violated, but that was the easiest five dollars I've ever made.
The only alcohol at my aunts was mikes hard so I drank 9 of them and puked in the master bath
Those thigh tattoos deserve the handsomest of grins between them. Dont settle.
I'd rather have snapchat than feelings.
So apparently being drunk at work isn't allowed.. who knew?
You chose shitty college football over this pussy and my cute little mouth. That's your fault.
I don’t have enough daddy issues for this shit, make him go away
The last time we went to a costume party, you walked around in a loincloth with a cross and said you were Jesus. I'm eager to see how much more offensive you can be.
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