the best thing about dollar beer night is beer is only a dollar.
I am at The Loft in SoNo, and there are two girls within arms reach that are making out with each other AGGRESIVELY. Like I can see 100% of a boob
For future reference, this is Trevors little sisters phone now. Trevs number is 484 XXX XXXX. Great story tho
I hope you get used to having plenty of sperm because you're never gonna get any.
She acts like you when your on meds
She acts like batman?
Well i tried snorting sugar. so either that made me puke or the fact that i drank water from a fish tank
Go to petsmart and tell me if the dog trainer is the guy I slept with friday. Thanks.
I'm hungover in the park, and some guy just handed me a business card for his church. I can feel Jesus' disapproval running through my fingertips
last night a police horse bit me when i was wasted. even the animal kingdom knows i'm no good
Why did my little sister call me from your phone this morning?
Things like this can't be explained over text man
I woke up in a poorly constructed blanket fort on a strange office floor covered in rug burns and champagne. How was your night?
Omg you can't vacuum salsa that's just ridiculous
One of my life goals was never to see an uncircumcised dick. I guess that's out the window now.
how come you came home with "Amanda owns this" written on your forhead
She thought I was dancing but I just couldn't catch my balance for 11 blocks.
Want ramen today?
I need a salad
SALAD DOESNT WARM YOUR HEART AND BELLY
Randomize
