dude I just realized something - girls return my clothes washed so in thought bringing girls home is like avoiding going to the laundramat
I just told my boyfriend I think I might be pregnant using Emoji icons....
which icon did you use to tell him he's not the father?
he just fed my chickens on farmville...i guess that's his way of saying thanks for the sex<3
He had Jail Releases phone number programed into speed dial on his phone.
nope im down the street in my car watching the front of her house. its actually less creepy than it sounds
Why the fuck did you text me at 4 in the morning telling me not to have sex with the bird?
I'm not making any promises. But if I start throwing food at you, just go with it.
I may or may not go. send a pic of a nipple so I know how much fun you're having
Seriously, you can't give someone's wife an orgasm on the dance floor of a gay nightclub and then hang out with her husband the following week
If you make 120 dollars and I walk instd of drive and don't eat or smoke this week we can pay rent
He better not be in your backpack
"what's it like being a dancer turned stoner" well, i can change the netflix using my feet mid bongrip, so there's that.
There now exists video of me holding a (recently emptied) bottle of Russian Standard vodka, trying to sing the Russian national anthem.
Will you rub my calves while I masturbate?
We got caught fucking on the couch while I was in my Godzilla onesie.
Randomize
