it seems as if every mistake i've ever made in life i've had an errection in one hand and a bud light in the other
There's banana everywhere and your hamster may or may not have stayed the night in the microwave...
I started singing the national anthem on a train in London. Happy 4th of July assholes
To the genius that put everclear in my humidifier: your time is coming.
A total of 95 cents was stuck to my ass the next morning.
I got my little bro high for the first time... Turns out the two of us stoned together is a mess. We spent 10 minutes trying to communicate with each other using just our eyebrows.
So how was your new years? Did u ride a horse at 3am in zero degree weather? Because I sure did
Food poisoning on first date... Still rode the mechanical bull like a champ
I gave you the craziest sex experiences of your life, the least you could do is let me keep the sweater.
Felt so good this afternoon, figured I wouldn't have a comedown. Wrong. Just realized I've been staring at a wall for 40 minutes contemplating the color yellow.
They think its so cute and admirable that I learned French. BITCH HAVE YOU NEVER HEARD OF GOOGLE TRANSLATE? sexting foreign bitches, there's an app for that
I mean seriously...It's like the universe is saying "your vagina is closed, move along"
There’s nothing that says motivation more than watching these little geniuses on Kids Baking Championship New Year’s Day. I’m ready to fuck shit up this year.
We're about to get drunk and it feels wrong without you
She really wants to hug you. With her vagina.
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