hey is it cool if i invite some fat girls to the party so i can be the skinny one?
yeah okay. but if i take one home with me you have to come over in the morning and tell her to get her shit and go.
I had to puke in a pizza box on the drive home. People saw.
It's happening again. I feel like I'm under water and my heart beat matches "Teenage Wasteland"
I either just got cockblocked or saved from a lengthy court case so I'm kinda conflicted about how my night went.
The entire defensive line took care if me when I passed out. One of them even held my hair when I puked and the other carried me upstairs to bed. God I love football so much more now
He has an intense fear that my cat will attack his balls while we're fucking
I just commented on the education level of his penis.
That man gives me hope. I can't help it. And by "hope" I mean "wood."
I was afraid someone would drug test my pants so you set them on fire.
I just audibly asked myself if i wanted to masturbate.
And then audibly agreed
I'm wearing sunglasses around my house. Douchebag status. The hangover is real.
I snapchatted him nudes and he didn't screenshot a single one of them because he's a gentleman.
Might call you tomorrow on a drunken hate filled rant, or just a normal hate filled rant, either way be ready.
I broke a rule
Which One?!
The one where I shouldn't sleep with your friends. I broke this particular rule 4 times.
You're officially the worst brother ever.
I just found a piece of dried shredded carrot on my bed
Randomize
