I should just throw a hundred dollar bill into the wind and walk away... save myself the hangover.
Because when I say 'You shouldn't drink anymore', she hears, 'I personally challenge you to chug 3 more mixed drinks'
Apparently it costs $70 to clean vomit off the side of our apartment building.
I offered to go to AA with him...not because I am admitting I have a problem but because I want to see what they are saying about people like us.
I'm going to pre plan my black out tonight. I think I'll set a change of clothes out on my bed and unplug the oven.
I'm hiding her cosmo magazine. the only sex tip she needs is to not handcuff her boyfriend to her roommates bed and lose the key
I woke up to a head of lettuce on my nightstand, someones Honda abandoned in my yard, the cat partially shaved, and a empty bottle of sailor hanging by a scarf from the rafters. Oh, and 26 people apparently came though and rubbed my back in the process of the night. Happy 23rd to me!
I just learned my tits were fire resistant. I should join the freakin circus
Okay I can't even be mad, I'm in mid-plot to hook up with Michael Phelp's third cousin.
A few days ago I apparently came up, asked her to make me soup, and handed her a can of coconut milk.
Some lady found my secret pooping bathroom at work. Do I fight her Highlander style? I made or may not be fashioning a crude sword from seat covers and toilet paper rolls.
Do it. DO IT. There can be only one.
Our first order of business as new roommates was to test the sex acoustics of our rooms. I need a new box spring.
I'm driving to work hungover. I feel like I got hit by a train and then drank that train too.
I just texted my mom from a strip club.
You were licking skittles to check if they were "halucinateizers" so no, you are not leaving the house while on antibiotics.
Randomize
