at church Sunday morning I dropped an M&M down my dress and it landed in my bra. I fished it out and ate it. A lot of people saw me.
I would make tea from her tampons just to see her tits
True Life: I hate vaginal excretions
Sex should be hot, sweaty, messy, and a little painful. At no point should it involve tiny rocks
Her facebook status is 'PERCS ON DECKKK~' which is probably why she still lives with her parents.
you called me and cried until i agreed to record a rap about our lives with you
If you can't find your cat in the morning it's cause i put him in the laundry basket and then put the laundry basket in the shower.
Just had to throw up on the floor of my car during traffic on the way to work. Car next to me saw both times. Found the downside to having a job right after graduation.
Alosmot hir two of of mt mailanoxwa
Oh Jesus.
Got a thumbs up from a trucker for doing lines on the interstate. God bless america.
blew off easter dinner with the fam to go play shot roulette. woke up in nothing but my boxers in the back of a random pickup truck.
thankfully we both ride of shamed home together on razor scooters in dresses because we stopped for breakfast sandwiches too
Hey, I was just wondering why i dont have a shirt on, why im cuddling with a furnace, why im in my own basement, and where my car is.
I can't really text bc it's too expensive but I thought youd like to know I just shit myself in a gift shop.
Found Ryan’s keys in the fridge. On my way back.
Also, tell him he missed Nathan passing out in the dryer.
Randomize
