Bridesmaid dress fitting. I look like a Weeble and Michelle looks like Malibu Barbie. I have to keep reminding myself that she has herpes so really, the playing field is more level than it might initially seem.
as evidence of my kitchen this morning my night involved alot of mustard and condoms
So the girl I hooked up with last night pretended to be from Comcast when my girlfriend stopped by this morning. She even made a fake appointment to check her internet. Best hookup ever.
i don't even specifically remember last night, it's just one big wonderful lesbianic blur.
YOU DID DRUGS AFTER A THREESOME WHO ARE YOU TO JUDGE ME?!!?
I just tripped out to the Angel of Music from Phantom of the Opera in my car. Wayyyy to high for shuffle right now.
Somewhere between the 30 minutes of cunnilingus, the improvised song about the Olympics, and the super thoughtful shower beer... I knew I married the right guy
No talking tonight. Just drinking and puking up memories
The ketchup exploded, and totally splooged his face and the wall. You could see the outline of his head in the wall splatter.
He just made my one night stand pancakes for breakfast. And I thought living with my ex was going to be weird.
he only noticed i dyed my hair purple like halfway through sex and he looked really shocked and he just said "You look like Barney." as he came.
He also deemed that the fact that I couldn't log into Netflix was not an emergency. He's wrong.
At one point I had two blunts in my hand and had no idea where they came from.
If you're with any of them tell them i apologize for (insert whatever i did here)
I just remembered something. We made out last night, people cheered.
Randomize
