hahaha our party bus just died on the freeway and we're drinking in the center divider. i'm on the roof. i win
ugh the "ive seen you naked on the internet" look is really getting tiring
Stop blaming waffle house for all your problems
I saw Winona at my church today. She has boobs, now.
Miracles do happen.
I woke up pulling sunflower seeds out of my vagina. That kind of night.
What's bad is when she said "what hobo did you steal this dick from?"
You opened a bottle of wine with a shoe and a wall last night.
I'm so bored right now i'm literally Googleing all the possible ways to get high with household items as my mom is sitting in front of me..
Dear slutty diary: I lied about feeling guilty of being a homewrecker in order to have more sex. it worked.
She walked home carrying a six pack of beer and someone elses cat
SHE BETTER HAVE BROUGHT BACK MY FUCKING COUCH CUSIONS OR SHES GUNNA GET IT.
It's time for everyone's favorite Wednesday night game... WHEEL OF. VODKA!!!!!
He was dressed as a cowboy and he was dancing with my ex roommate. So I took his gun and pistol whipped him with it..then somehow we still slept together..
I just want to have beer shits in my own bathroom. Is that too much to ask for?
So I have to send you an email about my weekend, heretofore referred to as The Perfect Weekend. Wherein I have lots of awesome sex with a guy with THE MOST AMAZING BODY.
I look forward to this email. I will respond with, Condoms and Creepers: The Adventures of Online Dating.
This electrician is just ripping my house apart and I'm too hungover to ask questions
Randomize